My relationship has ended. It was with someone I love and someone with whom I had imagined a long term future. I loved him (and believe he loved me) but love isn’t always enough, or everlasting. Sometimes it is only for a season, a reason or a lesson. Although the grief and loss is acute, I have had to remind myself that this heartbreak isn’t me, it is just a brief human (ego) experience that "me" is having at this moment. Of course the lesson is all about expectations. The moment you attach to a person or outcome, you set yourself up for the potential of heartbreak or loss. This is because what brings you pleasure today has equal chance of bringing you sorrow tomorrow simply because the source your desire is external and circumstantial. As Eckhart Tolle reminds us in The Power of Now: we are NOT our thoughts or emotions; however, our thoughts and emotions (for most of us unenlightened souls) create the world we experience.
Desiring something (somebody or a specific outcome) is (for the most part) beyond our control because we are seeking pleasure, salvation or fulfilment in external things (people) or future events. External things and people and beyond our control. Future outcomes and events are unpredictable.
One has to recognise that the heartbreak and pain one feels now, is purely the result of non-acceptance,. Non-acceptance is resisting what is. Finding acceptance after heartbreak cannot happen if you dwell on the past, (your story of events) you are miserable because of what you had and what you now miss (the headiness of passion, the glow of being loved and in love and all the associated fantasies with regards to what you'd hoped would be). Instead of these memories bringing you joy they make you miserable - so there’s no solace found in the past. Depression (sadness, guilt and remorse) lives in the past! And the saying that 'misery loves company' is so true. As your past recollections then conjure up all other traumatic moments of abandonment, rejection, failure and hurt you've experienced in your life. So then ironically, thinking about the love that you had (and have now lost) makes you focus on how unloveable you are and how unattainable love is for you! Then that’s the story you drag around as baggage in the present, and it colours every moment because you give those thoughts and feelings energy, focus, attention and power! You (not the relationship , not the split up, not the events that caused the split up, not your ex, not the heartbreak) are creating your own misery!!! Worse still, you then take this past perception of events as evidence there is an unlikelihood of finding love in the future. You are after all a self-fulfilling prophecy and become the story you tell yourself most often. The future is unpredictable and uncertain and creates fear. Anxiety lives in the Future!
The only place to find solace, serenity and peace is in ACCEPTANCE. So, what is Acceptance?
Acceptance of what exists in this present moment, is knowing that:
It is what it is,
it isn’t what it isn’t
and it shall be (or not be) as it’s meant to be (or not).
Non-acceptance comes the moment you resist or struggle or fight or reject or judge something. It causes suffering (pain, shame, blame, fear and misery). Only by choosing to detach from desire or future outcomes and by giving yourself permission to accept things as they are (right here and right now) without judgement, guilt or worry you consciously choose to make space for what is. This present moment is the only moment that you have - it’s the only moment that you are alive, real, have choice and have control. Acceptance of what is, is not apathy but rather a conscious practice which requires consistent effort.
I really enjoy how Eckhart Tolle describes suffering, almost as if it were s a separate demonic entity. This “Pain Body” as he calls it, wants to survive and and experience the shadow side of life (suffering and misery). This entity can only have life when you grant it your attention, energy, and focus. You summon this entity by being “triggered”and it awakens from its dormant state and possesses you, lives through you, takes over you and even becomes you. The moment you identify with it, you become it! However, when you observe it (with loving awareness) rather than identify with it, it cannot haunt or inhabit your life.
Where focus goes, energy flows. The world doesn’t determine what we perceive, receive and achieve…our thoughts and feelings determine our world (and our own experience of our world). Perhaps it is useful to see these demonic entities as mental illness and dysfunction - as I have already said, Depression lives and possesses you from the Past. Anxiety lives (and possesses you) from the future…. and by giving these entities your energy and attention and identifying with them in the present (eg I am depressed) you give them life, and they become real (or realised). The way to reclaim your power in the present is by banishing those entities to their respective timelines and letting go of the past and the unpredictable future! Acceptance is all about being present and finding the serenity to accept things (people or events) the way they are now (without emotional attachment, without judgement and without adding past or future timelines). We do not have to add our support, endorsement or even like what it is we accept, we merely have to accept the reality of the way it is (or what it is) in this moment.
I am loving awareness having a brief human experience in which I am currently single. I embody the stardust and honour the divinity within and accept all is, as it is, and that it shall be as it is meant to be.
Amen (So be it!).